Hellooo đ So happy to have you here. Iâm Kevan. I have spent 15+ years as a head of marketing for some cool tech startups. Now Iâve co-founded a brand storytelling business called Bonfire. We do coaching, advisory, and content. If you identify with creativity and marketing, weâd love for you to join us.
I should really stop saying âshouldâ
The 10 most common âshouldsâ from a career in marketing âŠ
Any of these sound familiar?
I should post more on LinkedIn
I should climb the corporate ladder: be a manager, be a CMO
I should network. I should want to network
I should be growing my business / pipeline / revenue at least 2x per year, if not more, every year, always and forever, amen
I should know what EBITDA stands for [or whatever term Iâm unsure of]
I should be a [fill in a job title] by now
I should be more assertive among leadership
I should know what to do next, without having to ask anyone
I should never admit I donât know something
I should spend more time in the numbers or in the strategy or in the weeds (wherever Iâm not spending time now)
The problem with âshouldâ
Iâve had imposter syndrome on the mind lately.
(Honestly, itâs never far from mind.)
My Bonfire co-founder
wrote a wonderful essay about imposter syndrome last month, and it has led to some really great conversations since. Weâve talked to friends, to peers; I even hopped on Andrew Caplandâs podcast to talk through the worst moments in my career đł (the episode comes out soon; Iâll let you know.)Hereâs the imposter syndrome essay, if youâve yet to read it:
Imposter syndrome, as many of us are familiar, comes from a perception that we arenât enough, that weâre not doing enough, that we arenât successful enough, that weâre going to be found out. It is marked by âfeelings of self-doubt, anxiety, depression, and/or apprehension of being exposed as a fraud in [our] work.â
This often leads me into try-hard territory where I look at what the non-imposters are doing and tell myself I need to do those things â that I should do those things.
âShouldâ assumes some unspoken expectation. It presumes that there is one way that things work, that there is a recipe that we all must follow. Or else!
Of course, âshouldsâ can sometimes be useful. Like most things, it is a spectrum. When I knew nothing about how digital marketing worked â roughly my first five years in tech â I was happy to have people guide me toward the âshouldsâ of my new role. But as time wore on, I found that there is a line between taking inspiration from others and chasing a constantly-moving target of what I think others expect from me.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin puts it this way:
Though the âshouldsâ can spur you into action temporarily, over-âshouldingâ can carry negative side effects, like reinforcing fears of being unacceptable and a fear of failure. âThis actually creates performance anxiety and [feelings of] failure, which undermines your ability to achieve in the long run.â
Another helpful lens on âshouldingâ comes from Dolly Chughâs book The Person You Mean to Be. Dolly describes a phenomenon called âidentity granting.â Basically, itâs one thing for me to identify as a really good marketer, but until someone else thinks Iâm a really good marketer â until that identity is granted to me â Iâll always be chasing that validation, which typically leads me back to all those âshoulds.â
Each of us has an intense craving for others to see and acknowledge our various identities, a phenomenon that Bartel and Dutton call âidentity granting.â They compare the interplay between identity claiming and granting to a public performance and audience reaction. Tina Fey may claim an identity as a funny person, but if audiences donât find her funny, her identity as a funny person has not been granted. We are vigilant for clues about whether our identity has been granted.Â
Psychologist William Swann has studied how much we care about this affirmation of ourselves, including one study in which participants were even willing to pay for affirmation. How people treat us and what they say to us affirms us. When we are unsure of whether an important identity has been granted by others, our craving for affirmation becomes more intense and urgent. Psychologists call this a moment of self-threatâour identity is being challenged or dismissed.6 Just as moments of physical threat trigger a hyperfocus on self-preservation, moments of psychological self-threat do the same. If I value being seen as a do-gooder, then I feel self-threat when people judge me as a greedy person, based on stereotypes of my rĂ©sumĂ©. If I value being seen as a loving mom, then I feel self-threat when other mothers judge me for working full-time outside the home.
How to listen for the âshouldsâ in your life
âShouldsâ are not only evil all the time. Some are instructive, some are helpful, some are reassuring when the timing is right. But in an environment of social media posturing, social signaling, comparison, and imposter syndrome, Iâve found that âshouldsâ can veer toward the negative and are at the very least worth our attention.
I now have âshouldâ radar, kind of like I used to have a grammarianâs ear for âcanâ versus âmay.â (Apologies to all my friends who have heard me sound the âshouldâ alarm.)
Listening for the âshouldsâ is step one.
Not judging the âshouldâ is step two.
I really like how these two should exercises propose options for how to sit with the âshouldâ and figure out what to do next:
Ask yourself throughout the day "Am I doing this because I want to or because I should?" If it's because you "should," then "Why do I believe I should?" "What do I fear will happen if I don't do it?" Finally, notice if recognizing your choice as a "should" changes the choice itself, or the way it feels to carry out. Even if your actions remain unchanged, simply identifying your choice as a "should" or "want" is meaningful, and will help you know your true motivations and intentions and thusâknow yourself.
Set aside a period of time (at least an hour every day) as a "should-free" zoneâa time when you only attend to that which you "want." If anything shows up as a "should," set it aside for later or let it go altogether. If no "want" shows up, that's fine as it may take some time for a "want" to actually form inside you. Remember, "want" itself has become atrophied, like an under-used muscle. As well, sometimes the "want" is just to do nothing, so listen for that "want" as well.
Over to you
What are your biggest âshouldsâ at the moment?
What do you do with them?
Itâd be great to hear from you if this âshouldâ essay resonates with you. You are not alone!
About this newsletter âŠ
Hi, Iâm Kevan, a marketing exec based in Boise, Idaho, who specializes in startup marketing and brand-building. I previously built brands at Oyster, Buffer, and Vox. Now I am cofounder at Bonfire, a brand storytelling company.
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